As believers and followers of Jesus, not only do we desire to make a spiritual impact on our children that lasts into their adult years, but we are mandated by the Lord to do so.  God shares this command with His own people in Deuteronomy 6:8:

 “These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts.  Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”  

God clearly desires that we talk about Him and encourage our kids to follow His ways.  We call this spiritual mentorship or spiritual discipleship (teaching our kids to know, love, and follow Jesus).  This can include indirect ways such as praying for them and modeling our faith and more direct ways, such as praying, serving, and studying God’s Word together.   I’ve found this task to be pretty straight-forward when my children were young and through their pre-teen years.  I loved getting them excited about Jesus by teaching them new spiritual concepts, reading an age-appropriate Bible or devotional together,  watching Christian movies, and listening to Christian songs and discussing their themes. To learn about some of these ideas for making a spiritual impact on your kids, click here to access my free workshop, Discipling Your Kids Through the Years, with practical guides to help you along the way through each age and stage of your child’s development. 

Now that my kids have become teenagers, my husband and I have thought and prayed through what this spiritual discipleship process should look like as they move closer and closer to adulthood.  It becomes much more complex than singing “Jesus loves Me” or reading a Bible bedtime story.  On the one hand, our teens are often exposed to more worldly influences than when they were younger, making it more essential to guide them through uncharted waters that could affect their faith.  On the other hand, they are growing up and becoming more independent, making it harder to know how to spiritually mentor them without making them feel “too young”  or worrying that they won’t want our spiritual influence in their lives any longer. 

For this reason, I felt led to interview young adults who are strong in their faith and were positively impacted by their parent’s spiritual mentorship during their teen years to learn what impacted them the most. These insights will help those of us seeking to spiritually disciple our own teenagers to gain insights on what seems to work well and how to best encourage our kids spiritually during this more complex stage of life. 

Of the young adults I asked, ten of them, between the ages of 18 and 27 (4 male and 6 female) filled out the survey.  Most, if not all of them, are involved in some type of ministry, whether voluntarily or vocationally.  They include highschool and college graduates, a professional Christian counselor, a medical professional, a stay-at-home mom, a youth pastor, a program director at a Christian camp, and a recruiter for a mission organization.  

I asked them the following questions, and I was intrigued by their insights noted below…

How were you doing spiritually as teens? 

80% said they were growing in their faith

60% of them also confided that they went through ups and downs in their faith

30% questioned God at times

20% of them turned away from God during their teen years.   

Implications:  While 100% of those interviewed are strong in their faith now as adults, we can see that several had ups and downs in their faith, and some even questioned God at times or turned from Him.  As parents, we can realize that our teenagers are human and they may go through times of doubt and testing in their faith. Instead of overreacting, lecturing, or trying to control their faith, we can appreciate that it is not uncommon for teens to go through these seasons and respond in God-honoring, loving ways.

How were your parents there for you during these times?

“They were a shoulder to cry on”

“Always there for me”

“Had my best interest in mind” 

“Encouraged me to stay strong in the Lord”

“Checked in on me” 

“Monitored my friendships”

“Set boundaries and disciplined me”

“Answered my questions about faith and Christianity”

“They were quick to admit their own mistakes”

Implications:  While going through testing times, these teens shared that their parents did not give into fear or a need to try and control or fix the problem, but they responded with compassion, encouragement, discipline, and humility. What an inspiration for us as parents to do the same.

How did your parents encourage you in your faith through indirect ways in your teen years?

80% said their parents modeled their own faith well

90% said their parents were good listeners

70% said their parents encouraged church attendance and/or youth group

90% said their parents were always praying for them

Some also mentioned that their parents did the following…

– Provided Christian resources and opportunities for them to service

– Focused on spending time together as a family which made them feel like a “safe place”

– Left room for them to be open about their highs and lows

Implications: There are several ways we can learn from these parents regarding ways to indirectly disciple our teens that can make a positive impact.  Modeling our faith is crucial, being good listeners and a “safe place” for our kids to open up about their questions and struggles is paramount.  Encouraging their involvement in the faith community and praying for them are also very important.

What are some direct ways that your parents encouraged you in your faith in your teen years?

60% studied the Bible together as a family

80% prayed with them

100% talked about spiritual matters

90% shared their own spiritual journey

80% checked in on how they were doing spiritually

Some also mentioned that their parents did the following…

“Encouraged me to spend time alone with God 30 minutes daily”

“Spent time with me one-on-one talking about spiritual things”

“Discussed alternatives to Christianity and why they were not right”

Implications:  Studying the Bible and praying together as a family were direct ways that these teens were spiritually impacted.  All of the parents discussed spiritual matters openly in the home, and they shared about their own spiritual journey with their teens as well.  Some of the teens were encouraged to spend time alone daily with God.

Looking back, was there anything that you wish your parents would have done more with you to encourage you spiritually?

“Giving more praise”

“My dad to be more involved in my spiritual life” 

“Talking through spiritual exercises like healing prayer before doing them” 

“That my mom would have been more intentional to pray and read the Bible WITH me instead of just encouraging me to do it myself”

“Ushering me away from sin like alcohol and sex rather than letting me experience things and then decide for myself”

“Pointing out my areas of pride and less visible spiritual issues”

“Seeing my parents read their Bible visibly so I could observe the importance of this discipline more”

“Reading the Bible together as a family”

Implications:  According to these young adults, some wished they had studied the Bible more together as a family.  Talking through spiritual practices before doing them would have been helpful to some. As teens, they felt they needed more affirmation of what they were doing well, and some of them craved a deeper spiritual connection with their dads. Some wished their parents had protected them more from worldly influences and needed those boundaries to be set by their parents, even if they may not have communicated it at the time.  

What would you tell Christian parents raising teens today to help them have a good relationship with their teens? (could be things to do/not to do)

“Listening is SO important.”

“Create a safe environment to talk through their  struggles without judgement and wrestle through their big questions and doubts.”

“Communicate and show them how much you love them.  Being a teenager is a very difficult and vulnerable time.  Parental guidance, protection, and love is needed more than ever.”

“Talk to them, hear from them, try to understand what they are going through.”  

“Meet them in love but still encourage truth.”

“Pray with them and for them.”

“Be open about your own spiritual journey, past and present.  Normalize talking about shortcomings and high points, including making sin not as taboo to talk about.”

“Don’t avoid the uncomfortable”.

“Initiate spiritual conversations and constantly teach Biblical principles.”

“Make sure your teens know it’s okay to mess up and always point them to the cross.” 

“Meet as a family consistently to read God’s Word and pray.”

“Go do the things they love with them.”

“Give a lot of affirmation, even if your teen has a wall up and is acting out.  Even if they act like they don’t want to talk, they need to.”

“Make them feel like they can talk to you about anything without always having a lecture at the end.”

Implications:  It is clear that our teens ARE going to struggle with sin because they are human, just like us.  Instead of avoiding the uncomfortable topics, such as sexual changes that happen through adolescence, sexual sins, doubting God, and emotional struggles, these young adults are encouraging us, as parents, to provide that safe place for our teens to open up.  WE may need to be the ones to initiate these topics if our teens are not opening up.  Talking about our own struggles, both past and present, will help them know it’s okay for them to talk about theirs as well.   We should always lead them to Jesus and His forgiveness. Our teens also need us to set boundaries to protect them from the evil in the world, even if they don’t like it at the time.  They aren’t adults yet and are still growing and maturing in their faith and convictions.  According to these young adults, our teens will thank us later.

What other advice do you have for parents desiring to spiritually mentor their teens? 

“Talk through spiritual matters using personal experience as a means to relate with and provide insight for the teen.”

“Model for them your own genuine walk with God.  Teens are watching.  Hypocritical parents are the biggest turn off.”

“Encourage them to make God’s Word the top priority in their life and be in the Word with them as well.  Center your lives around it.”

“Guard them from bad influences.  What they watch, who they are friends with, and what they read will impact them more than you can imagine.”

“Attend church together as a family and, if possible, sit together in service and talk about it afterwards.”

“Search for Biblical answers to tough questions together.”

“Establish regular prayer times and track the answers God provides.”

“Serve together as a family.”

“Encourage small groups and mentors in your teens’ lives.”

“Don’t shelter so much that your kids are ignorant when they go into the world.  Discuss other perspectives and how other people live and why.”

“Set boundaries. You are the parent.”

“Constantly forgive and seek forgiveness- point them to the Cross.”
 
“Read a book of the Bible together, discuss, and understand how to apply it to your lives.”

“Discuss the “why’s” behind the family rules, so they can understand why you have arrived at certain convictions.” 

“Be willing to share your mistakes and how you learned and grew in faith.”

“Live out your faith in such a way that inspires your teen to do the same.”

Implications:  As Christian parents of teens, we can glean a lot from the wise counsel of these young adults who were in our teens’ shoes not that long ago.   To summarize, we need to be genuine about our own faith and living it out if we want our kids to do the same.  When we talk about the struggles we had at their age and even currently, it will help our kids see that they are not alone in their sin struggles, and they will have a good model of how to bring their struggles to Jesus and receive His love and forgiveness.  We also see that if God is to be first in their lives, we need to personally make Him first in our own lives and in our families by making God’s Word, prayer, and involvement in the faith community more important than extracurricular activities and the busyness of life.  Our kids also need to understand why our rules are important and the Biblical principles behind them.  They need to be prepared to walk into the world, whether that is in college or at a job, understand how others are different from them, defend their faith, and be able to share their faith with others.

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A special thank you to these young adults who took the time to share their insights with us at Growing Kids for the Kingdom.  My hope and prayer is that we can learn from their experiences to help us have a good relationship with our teens and make a positive spiritual impact in their lives.